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10 Survival Strategies for Parents of Newborns
by Catie McDowell, LMFT and Ellen Rossier, LCSW of The Mom’s Connection
1. Rest.
In other times and in other cultures, the extended family or women of
the village rallied around new parents and their baby and cared for
them, their home, and other children. Today, there is little
support for the idea of women taking a “time of seclusion”.
Instead, new parents feel pressure to get back to life as usual. The
gift of maternity/paternity leave is that you are given permission to
let go of other responsibilities and limit your focus to yourself and
your family. So, slow down. Give yourself this time.
2. Let yourself be taken care of.
People love to feel helpful, so when friends and family offer to help,
say YES. This can be a challenge if you’re used to being
self-sufficient, but this is not the time for stoicism! Make a
list of tasks that people could do for you, such as cooking dinners or
meals to have in the freezer and pull out later, taking an older child
on a play date, or making a grocery run. There are no medals handed out
for over-doing. In fact, women who overdo in the early weeks may
recover more slowly or develop complications like mastitis.
3. If you can afford to hire help, do it!
There are lots of people in town who offer postpartum doula care. Their
services include: mom and baby care, cooking and light housework.
This can be especially helpful for parents of multiples.
4. Let the machine pick up.
You don’t need to answer the phone call of every well wisher or oblige
every would-be visitor. Sometimes a simple message on your
answering machine giving callers the vitals on your baby and a report
on how you’re doing can satisfy the curiosity of well-intentioned
friends and family. About visits—everyone is understandably eager
to meet your new arrival. But, visits can be surprisingly
exhausting for new parents and babies. Some people find it
helpful to post a sign on their door welcoming visitors by reminding
them to keep their stay brief. Most folks find that one short visit
(20-30 minutes) a day is plenty. Partners can help to politely excuse
lingering visitors by saying something like, “You look tired, honey,
you must be due for a nap.”
5. Be gentle with yourself and your partner.
The optimal ratio for adults to newborn is at least 3:1! It’s hard to
believe that a tiny baby can create so much work. But, they do.
Exhaustion and overwhelm can open the door for misunderstandings or
misperceptions. It’s easy to slip into feeling that your partner
is not carrying his/her weight of the new and ongoing household tasks.
These thoughts can develop into resentment, which can lead to feelings
of distance and disconnection. Say to yourselves, “There is more
work to do right now than any two people could do. We are both
doing all we possibly can, and some tasks are still left undone.”
That’s just the reality. Remember to thank each other for all the
things you are doing. Gratitude and resentment do not co-exist easily.
6. Talk with each other about your feelings.
No matter how long people have been having babies, it’s still a big
deal when you’re the one who is uttering those words, “My daughter” or
“My son” for the first time. It’s important for breastfeeding
moms to tell their partners how overwhelming it can be to be the sole
food source for a little being. Dads or working partners need to
explain how heavy the weight of providing for a growing family can be.
You both need to be able to share your fears, worries and dreams.
When you’re under stress, the old habit of thinking your partner should
just know how you feel, can rear its head. You can’t read each other’s
mind. So talk, and listen.
7. Get outside with your baby.
There is something about the warm sunlight, or cool breeze, or
crispness of a moonlit night that calms babies, and their parents.
If you’re feeling housebound, or if your little one has a fussy
time of day (or several times) when nothing seems to quell her crying,
head outside. Even if she keeps fussing, you will find yourself
breathing more deeply, feeling a sense of space and maybe a moment of
tranquility.
8. Discuss your nighttime strategy during the day.
Emotionally and physically exhausted people do not make their best
decisions at 2 in the morning. And, they are generally not their most
rational, generous and kind selves. In other words, you can have
some real blow-up fights in the middle of the night as you try to
figure out how to respond to a crying baby. So, talk about it ahead of
time. Decide who is doing what when before you fall asleep.
Nights will still be hard, but perhaps not as volatile.
9. Join a group for new parents.
Being with an infant hour after hour, no matter how much you love him,
can be isolating. And, even the most confident parent can find it
daunting to venture out into the world in the early weeks. A group for
new moms or dads provides an opportunity to get out and connect with
other parents in a place that’s safe and infant-friendly. Sharing ideas
and swapping strategies with other sleep-deprived adults can be very
comforting!
10. Embrace those moments of pure happiness.
Having a newborn is really hard work. So, when you have a moment
of peace, or joy, or amazement about this new little being in your
life, revel in it!
Ellen Rossier, LCSW and Catie McDowell,
LMFT are psychotherapists in private practice in Boulder working with
adults, couples and families. They have specialties in working with
pregnancy and postpartum adjustment and lead groups for moms, the New
Mom’s Connection and the “Not-So-New” Moms Connection. For more
information, see their Partner page or call (303) 494-6877.
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